You're losing your power over me...

I've been suffering way too long.

Enslaved, I aim to be finally free - 

To your dark kingdom I don't belong. 

By your shadow I was fascinated;

Your black wings have covered my soul.

I was ensnared by you, captivated - 

I gave you my heart and all the control. 

My biggest mistake... utterly wrong:

Calling your dimness the brightest light.

Your seize on me was immensely strong,

Addicted, I suffered night after night. 

I never thought I was slowly dying.

Never imagined I would turn away.

Dealing with emptiness, now I am trying 

To bury my wrong self - day after day.

Sudden epiphany struck me to death. 

I was not ready to move on, to flee.

Weary and broken, I'm holding my breath -

I am at the place where I need to be...

Place of great mercy, of total destruction. 

It strongly convinces me, helps me to see

How blind I was to all your seduction.

To be liberated is my only plea! 

Escaping the prison of bittersweet pain,

Your mysterious spell may yet capture me...

Connection between us - invisible chain, 

Bound in tension of a crushing degree...

Subtle allure, consuming temptation;

To overcome it shall be my decree. 

One day I will say this with no hesitation:

"You've finally lost your grip over me!"

(2025-09-06)

Deep inside me is blooming the darkness.

Each cell of mine is filled with its essence.

Loneliness, isolation, starkness, 

Fear and doubt multiply its presence.... 

I try to slay the shadows of my past,

I try to run away, straight to the light...

Oh, torturous pain, how long will you last?!

Your deadly embrace is wildly tight.

Attached to you, I'm like in prison...

Deafening silence torments my mind.

Behind bars, I search for a reason 

Of this addiction, our desperate bind... 

Listening carefully to my heart beating, 

Gazing at the traces of your violent touch.

The story goes on, it keeps repeating...

In the arms of my darkness...my beautiful crutch*.

*essential support

(24.08.2025)

I know - it's time to say goodbye.

It's hard, unbearable, and cruel.  

It's challenging; it feels I'll die 

Engaging with grief in quiet duel. 

I'm saying bye to fantasy, illusion - 

We went a mile, tightly holding hands. 

It brought me pain and deep confusion,

A glimpse of joy, and harsh demands. 

Goodbye, my everything...my nothing. 

You filled me up...with emptiness.

My self ​delusion - haunting thing! - 

I trusted it - no second guess. 

Goodbye, my secret sacred place. 

I dwelled in you for far too long...

My heart had carved for you a space -

You stole it whole - I was so wrong...

Goodbye, the biggest part of me,

I need to let you go, for better...

I have to set both of us free - 

The fact I'll suffer doesn't matter....

Goodbye. You cannot make me stay. 

It's time to take a different path...

I know - I'll miss my safe old way; 

It's paved to lead me to The Wrath...

Goodbye, my fairytale, my song -

You were created by false expectation. 

I walked in darkness, singing along, 

Adding more verses with no hesitation.  

Turning last page, farewell comes,

Fitting closing to this lasting lament.

Final chords - my whole world numbs! 

To be the truth, it was never meant...

(10.08.2025)

I live by dying every day;

By fighting my darkest desires.

The cost is more than I can pay

For the danger my soul admires...

I live by rejecting my will,

By refusing to heed the wrong calling. 

This void within - how should I fill?

My every dream keeps showing me falling.... 

I live by taming relentless urge, 

By battling the ghosts in my own mind,

Not letting extreme feelings emerge...

For with the truth, they're never aligned... 

I live...by Faith Alone... Do I? 

What's going on with me? And why? 

I cannot even think, I only cry...

This fight is endless... till I die..!

(07.08.2025)

A criminal always comes back, returns

To the place of his judgment, his loss -

To relive, to feel again how it burns,

To face anew what he once came across....

I am that criminal ​who longs to re-suffer, 

Who searches for signs to reopen the door;

Who realizes - this trial grows tougher,

Yet still awaits, and hungers for more..! 

I want to reach the flame that scorched my heart, 

To plunge into the world of pain and tears;

To dance with the blaze that rips me apart;

Consumed by the sparks, by silent fears...

This wild fire makes my mind insane ! -

Unstoppable, unquenchable, persisting. 

Bewitched, I stand with no will to restrain,

No strength to flee... I'm absurdly insisting 

To let its smallest glint remain inside, 

To warm the ache my weary soul much cherish. 

I am a criminal that does her best to hide 

The craving of crime that makes me slowly perish... 

I am a criminal, self-murderer, addicted. 

I breathe in ashes, burning from within. 

I crawl back to the place where I'm afflicted;

It festers really deep...beneath my skin...

(05.08.2025)

I am the book that you cannot finish. 

Don't judge me by cover, go to the core ! 

My impeccable style needs no diminish

It will astonish you, more and more ! 

I am the letter you have to read, 

I am the story that hides a treasure. 

Each word sustains your soul's deep need -

Go through the pages, go slow, no pressure. 

I am the scroll that reveals your heart, 

I am the message that shatters to pieces. 

I disarm you fast, straight from the start, 

As you read on, my force increases... 

I am the mystery - for you to find out,

To search, to look for, to eagerly seek 

Your own destiny, before time runs out - 

Read through my lines, they loudly speak ! 

I am the letter, written just for you. 

My rhythm and voice won't leave you cold-blooded. 

I quench your thirst, I refresh your view, 

I overflow, I leave your mind flooded !..

(31.07.2025)

I docilely swallowed your every bait,

The bitter-sweet flavor can still be felt. 

Each time you cast your snare at my gate - 

I caught it quickly, and in me it dwelt. 

It's irresistible, addictive, cruel.

I fell for every trick without thinking. 

Your tasteful, stylish ploys became my fuel - 

Was drawn to them in just a single blinking. 

I overlooked the signs, manipulation, 

Being charmed by sugar-coated lies. 

I failed to sense the hidden, cold intention 

Of draining my soul, till it slowly dies...

Trying to distance, I'm drawing in, 

Planning escape, I'm just running back...

My mind in circles cannot stop to spin,

My heart in pain awaits your attack...

Oh, what a mess! Emotional torture!

By overwhelming feelings I am shattered.

Tear and eat me like ravenous vulture! 

Leave no trace of me. I never mattered...

(16.07.2025)

You may trample my tortured soul, 

You may walk on it with bare feet... 

You may slowly kill it, 'cause after all 

I am your prey - your fresh, tasty meat. 

You may shamelessly make me cry, 

You may ignore the shout of my heart.

I'll endure it all, not knowing -'why?

I'm still in your play, why can't I depart?'

I'm holding the emptiness in my hands

As if it were a priceless treasure...

It fills my essence, it grows, it expands - 

Overflowing within, beyond all measure...

You were the one who brought it to me, 

I was the one who chose to take it...

Now, I'm enslaved - You are totally free ! 

In survival mode - will I ever make it? 

You put pressure on my weakened mind -

Unneeded weight I still strive to bear...

Why am I unable to leave it behind?! 

Question unanswered, hangs in the air...

(10.07.2025)

I created the world that never existed, 

I masked the truth in people's hearts. 

I believed in reality that was twisted; -

All that remains are the broken parts... 

I blindly believed I could be understood, 

That my feelings could be seen, appreciated...

Distorted, corrupted, far from anything good, 

My heartfelt expectations weren't fated...

Witnessing my life unravel, sinking,

Mistaking illusion for something real.

Realizing the lies, my soul is shrinking - 

Will these wounds and scars ever seal?..

Despite the grief, despite the greatest pain,

A part of me has gone with that delusion. 

I let it happen...Why? - I can't explain.

This story has no end... has no conclusion.

(28.06.2025)

Being beaten, I continue flying. 

Being heartlessly stabbed, I'm still alive. 

Fooling myself, always denying - 

I was the one who gave him The Knife...

I gave him control over my being,

Opened my heart, exposed my soul. 

Accepted his lies, fully agreeing 

To his crafty offers that hid his true goal! 

Allowed to trap my stupefied mind,

Entrusted my life, enduring the pain.

Let him make me completely blind...

Devoted every breath - for nothing to remain.... 

I was deluded, innocent, confiding...

Naively believing his every word.

Ignoring the fact that he was dividing

Me with the knife that had become a sword. 

Like phoenix now I need to be burned down,

To resurrect, to rise on brand-new wings.

Instead of thorns, I'll wear a golden crown,

To heal completely from the scars and stings. 

(24.06.2025)

Words cannot express what I go through,

Struggling to hold this wild emotion,

I fight myself, dividing right in two. 

I taste again this sweet and bitter potion.

I'm carried away to mysterious places, 

Where I can be free to choose your will.

To run, to follow what my heart embraces - 

Where I can feel loved, where I can be still... 

I wish I could respond to your bold calling,

And sink into the depth of silent dreams. 

I hesitate... Uncertain, slowly falling - 

This fateful battle's harder than it seems... 

(22.06.2025)

Cemetery: my place of broken dreams. 

Of memories that burn within my heart.

The mourning place where my soul screams,

As all my hidden hopes just fall apart. 

I still remember how it was -

That flavor of life beside the graves.

I was not scared at all... Because 

It moved in step with what my being craves. 

The silent hill of thirst, storm of emotion.

A place that stirs the blood in every vein. 

I was immersed, took no precaution.

I felt fulfillment, meaning, and much pain.

My precious refuge and my sacred place, 

I'm drawn to that magnetic atmosphere. 

The moments that I don't want to erase -

They stay within me, safe and always near...

(22.06.2025)

The soul of a woman is unexplored, 

Its depth is terrifying - it's endless. 

So much pain, so much love is stored.

She is frail, fragile, defenseless...

All contradictions that shouldn't exist, 

Inner conflicts, paradox overflow. 

Doubts and urges she tries to resist,

Hiding the truths for no one to know. 

Alone in silence, she fights to survive,

Bound by the chains of sorrow and fear - 

She knows who is able to make her alive,

And let all hesitation disappear...

She sees a bright light from afar, 

She reaches out with all her might to touch...

Torn within by one deep, hidden scar, 

She still believes it is her only crutch...

Confused, she locks herself in place,

Then clings again to all-consuming hope.

She waits for light to find her, to embrace,

Struggling with burdens too heavy to cope...

Woman's soul...so surprisingly strong! 

She carries wounds that time cannot erase.

Waiting for light to whom she must belong

She dreams of the end, to finish this chase...

(19.06.2025)

Let's play *hide and seek* for a while,

And lets see who is found faster. 

I see you're looking at me with a smile, 

Hunting for me - to be my master. 

This alluring game owns my attention,

Every step unfolds with mystery.

A silent pursuit that grips with tension -

A dance of excitement and misery...

Anticipation brings its unique flavor,

Diluting the fear of what comes next...

Reveal your secrets - do me a favor.

In the dark, I'm lost...troubled and vexed. 

The rush of chance entices, captivates.

It takes breath away, fascinates. 

Game continues, the thrill elevates,

The end is obscure, unknown dominates...

(17.06.2025)

Will you ever know what was written 

On the pages that were torn out? 

The tragic story that should be hidden,

Human fate, drained and worn out...

Liters of tears that no one ever saw,

Pleas of acceptance, cries for aid.

Numerous dreams one's heart used to draw,

Tough decisions that were never made. 

Words left unspoken, forbidden emotions,

Conflicting feelings, a thousand doubts...

Piles of thoughts like quiet devotions.

Endless questions, painful shouts...

Secrets, kept in guarded corner of the heart, 

Imagined scenarios, truths untold...

Concealed in verses, in fragile art - 

Even the manuscript couldn't uphold.

(15.06.2025)

Your venomous hands touched my soul,

Infecting instantly its every cell...

Diluting my blood, you took control

Pouring more poison, concealed by a spell...

The taste of heaven masked a deathly toll.

I greedily swallowed this insidious drink.

My strongest thirst had played its role - 

To quench it, I let my sanity sink. 

Venom-filled, my heart begins to race,

Your sorcery has overflowed my veins.

You invade, not merely leave a trace.

Upon my flesh, your cruel power reigns..!

Intoxicated, your whirlpool takes me.

I'm frantically searching for antidote. 

Common sense dissolves - it forsakes me. 

No scream escapes - I'm clenched within my throat. 

Give me last cup, I'll finish it quickly,

Let every inch of me be stained by you...

Absorbed in your madness, taken in sickly,

I'm writhing in torment - just tear me through!...

(14.06.2025)

"Where there's no heart, there is no pain" -

This is my sentence, my harsh verdict. 

I'm standing under this merciless rain,

Its sudden fall I could not pre​dict... 

It strikes me ferociously, piercing my soul,

Intending to wash away the bleakness. 

I strive to grasp the meaning of its goal -

But all I can see is my own weakness...

It rains to kill the fire I still hold,

So I won’t be burned by the blazing flames. 

I let it cleanse me, though I'm turning cold...

I face the storm, accepting all its claims...

The flood breaks through, relentless in its force. 

I stand unmoved beneath the weeping skies...

Broken in tears, consumed by deep remorse, 

I long to run - back to familiar lies.

Minding the sweet suffering it brings,

Wary of igniting the spark again -

The rain still persists - it moans, it sings: 

"Where there's no heart, there is no pain..."

(12.06.2025)

I'm not the one you thought you knew. 

Funny - I didn't know you as well. 

We'll never know what in us was true - 

If that was all a lie, no one could tell. 

We imagine versions of each other, 

Craft perfect portraits in our minds.

No will, no desire to know another -

Just comfort shaped by selfish designs. 

We build illusions of who people are,

Then break beneath our own perceptions.

Our conceptions can carry us far...

Till all that's left are fractured connections.

You never grasped who I was, not at all.  

I carried MY picture of you in my head. 

Confused in judgments, wrong overall - 

I ignored what was real, chose fiction instead.

(11.06.2025)

No soul stands nearer to mine - 

You are my breath, my closest friend. 

You understand my every "crime",

You will protect me till the end. 

My days are dark when I don't hear your voice.

My life is empty without your advice. 

You never judge, even my gravest choice - 

Though you know well the coming price...

Your understanding surpasses my mind.

Your patience is more than I could ask for.

You're never tired for me to remind - 

"It's not the end, you have so much more..."

How harsh feels the distance, just annoying.  

I close my eyes often to see your face. 

This world, this war - they keep on destroying,

The only way out is to lean on God's grace. 

I rest in hope of seeing you one day, 

The tears of joy I can only envision.

Thank you for walking with me all the way, 

For your perfect love and your clear vision! 

(10.06.2025)

I have awakened from disturbing sound,

The old dark passenger knocked on my door. 

This coming was sudden, so I'd be bound 

By a master of charm who gets to my core. 

I wish to be speechless when he shows up,

I try to play safe, in spite of my blush.

But under his pressure, I always mess up -

His haunting presence provokes me to rush.

He waits on my move to seize full control.

He's intimidating - I'm getting obsessed...

In my broken heart he digs deeper hole - 

That's how his affection to me is expressed. 

I am disarmed by his cunning eyes, 

His sneaky smile chains my mind. 

His tight embraces taste like paradise - 

Drifting away, I leave all behind...

Why he appears - I cannot explain 

He comes when he wants; leaves unannounced...

He drives me nuts by reviving old pain;

His every action is sharply pronounced.  

He's vanishing, the door is closing up.

His echoing knocks have shaken my soul.

Growing sad, I drink my bitter cup;

Broken by the piece of me he once stole... 

(09.06.2025)

Crying like crazy. Bitter emptiness. 

I let it be - I know it's my fault. 

How to get over? Cannot even guess - 

How to stop rubbing my wounds with salt.

Frantically screaming to mute inner pain,

And numbing my heart just to survive. 

I tear my soul apart. Again and again - 

I can't believe that I'm still alive...

Unable to move, frozen, paralyzed.

My thoughts are dancing in the air - 

I'm fixed on them, I'm hypnotized...

I'm fading away... But I still care..!

(08.06.2025)

I'm praying this storm I am facing

Will shape my spirit, my soul, my mind. 

I'm praying that all I was tracing 

Leads me to what I am meant to find.

I'm praying that my recovery

Won't delay my whole life through.

I'm praying for greater discovery 

Of who I am and what is true. 

I'm praying for abundant blessing

For the soul that has crossed my way. 

I'm praying, constantly expressing 

Gratitude that words can't fully say.

I'm praying to break down the silence, 

And bare my heart completely. 

I'm praying for deeper reliance 

On what is waiting discreetly.  

I'm praying, it's all I am able to do, 

Standing on the edge with expectation. 

I'm praying for the strength to renew,

For courage to cast out all hesitation. 

(07.06.2025)

My tears are falling down like rain. 

I wish you were there to stop this flow.  

I wish I had more time to explain - 

All of my struggles, so you'd truly know.  

My tears are slowly dropping, one by one.

You could gather them, if you were near. 

And hold me still until they're gone. 

But my hopes are wasted - you're not here. 

The wind is echoing my cry to you;

The distance between us tends to extend.

Darkness lies ahead, chances are few...

It seems I'll drink my tears until the end..!

(05.06.2025)

I had my role - so insignificant, naive. 

It served its purpose, carried its belief. 

Outrageous...really foolish to believe

That it would fade with zero trace of grief.

I was performing well, I can admit,

Was following the script as best I could. 

I knew it perfectly - it was a fit !

So bravely, so boldly in my role I stood. 

I savored it - that wild, daring play;

I walked each line with steady breath.

But then...the curtain softly slipped away - 

My final words were echoing with death!

I say to self - "This sorrow will subside.

Try not to dwell on it, just turn the page."

Instead, this piece of art is where I hide;

It makes me feel how much I miss that stage...

It calls me, whispering, though not by name,

And draws me back into that thrilling walk.

It offers me another dance with flame;

My thoughts are tangled - I barely talk...

Afraid to burn, I pause before I yield;

It doesn't bend, I know this part too well.

My perfect role, in you I am concealed;

By catching fire, I'll descend to hell!..

(04.06.2025)

She was filled to the brim with joy and laughter,

Was granted hope and confidence, conviction...

She never thought to ask what followed after,

Enchanted by some bright, seductive fiction...

She plunged into the depths she'd never known.

Dove headfirst into a deep, open sky...

Deceived by shadow; light was never shown.

She lived full speed, ignoring she could die.

Falling weightlessly beneath a shrouded void,

No danger felt, no hint of coming pain...

Now she is shocked, off-track and paranoid,

Staring at the scars that will remain.

That's all there is—no less, and nothing more.

A soundless ache blooms in her chest.

The epic saga's still there, at her door.

It watches her and puts her to the test.

(03.06.2025)

It doesn't matter if my soul's alive,

My feelings make no freaking sense.

What really counts is whether I will dive

And fall again with no defense.

You're trying to disarm me - so malicious,

Methodically breaking all of my walls.

Too destructive, your words seem delicious;

I never meant to be one of your *dolls*.

I'm slowly dying in these tightest bonds.

Is there an exit? I am surrounded.

My weakened soul... it eerily responds

To thoughts of you, darkly compounded.

In deadly hesitation, I am freezing,

Helplessly drowning in painful doubt.

Pressing all my buttons - torturing, teasing;

Quietly silencing my hopeless shout.

You open my wounds with your 'caring' hands,

Exposing, shamelessly, my deepest scar.

Have mercy on me with your tricky plans -

Do I even know who you really are?

You seem so familiar, but not of my heart.

I'm losing myself, all messed up, confused.

In your scenario, I play a different part -

It drains my soul, leaves it bloody and bruised.

It's hard to accept, it's hard to handle.

So hard to reject, so hard to ignore.

I'm fading away, losing light like a candle...

Damaged and broken, like never before.

(31.05.2025)

Suffocating...

The same damn thing in the same place.

Fascinating...

Time flies, yet it hurts, this pain stays... 

I am nailed to this wall of torture, 

So tight, my soul cannot even move. 

Poisonous blood is my only nurture;

Splinters in the heart I must remove. 

As blind as I was, as blind as I am,

Absolute darkness has covered my eyes.

Filled with emotional, maddening sham,

My mind is deluded, enfolded with lies.

Bearing the weight of unspoken words,

Trapped in this endless misery trip,

I'm swinging breathless on killing cords, 

Ready to give up, to lose my grip...

(30.05.2025)

I'm here, my pain. Please, come in. Feel free. 

It's always open for you - don't ask. 

Don't make me wait - I'm counting to three.

We know each other - take off a mask. 

Come closer. Don't hesitate - sit beside. 

Fill this silence with your sweetest voice.

I feel so alive with you by my side; 

We need each other - we have no choice. 

Pour your poison straight to my veins,

Saturate and seize my every cell.

Your softest touch breaks all my chains. 

In each other constantly we dwell. 

Captured by you, I radiate joy.

Stay! No more running, no more doubt. 

Consume, devour me, destroy...

I am all yours, inside and out! 

(27.05.2025)

My face is no longer lit by a smile...

Nor can I cry - these blinded eyes have dried.

I drowned the pain deep inside, for a while. 

From this ghostly shadow I cannot hide. 

Like darkness that fills an empty room,

It floods my mind without permission. 

It haunts me, condemning me to doom - 

Knowing that I will grant it submission. 

I let it dwell within me - all the time. 

I let it take hold of my heart - always. 

" My all belongs to You, my every rhyme,

My being, my soul and all my ways... "

(25.05.2025)

Every day of my life I will pray for You,

These are not empty words, I swear.  

Joy or pain, no matter what you're going through, 

From far, from a distance, I'll still be there.

May my prayer be your weapon, your defense,

Your source of strength, and your safest space; 

And when this life is getting too intense - 

Remember, my heart is your resting place.

I'll pray for your protection, for your peace, 

For a happy life, for your dreams to come true.

Every single night I'll be on my knees;

Wherever you may be, I will pray for You!

(23.05.2025)

Remember me,

In silence, in your heart.

Remember me,

When this world falls apart.

Remember me,

Through sadness in your soul.

Remember me,

Regardless of my role.

Remember me,

Through time—don't let it fade.

Remember me,

Please, carry on my shade.

Remember me,

Your ocean's smallest drop.

Remember me,

Its flow will never stop.

Remember me,

As if I were so close, beside.

Remember me,

Because I'm always near, inside! 

(05.05.2025)

In my headphones, exploring the roads.

My comfort zone - completely alone.

Back and forth through memory loads;

I rush to go - destination unknown.

This song...again, all the way on repeat,

It takes me deeper than I've ever been...

It freezes my blood, it halts my heartbeat;

It shows me the pictures I've already seen...

It makes me alive in the middle of death;

It kills me slowly...and then resurrects!

It ends - I'm about to take my last breath;

But then it restarts with all side effects.

My journey, my trip to where I belong,

My "sweet escape" from mere existence.

Keeping it playing seems to be wrong,

I cannot help it - zero resistance...

Pausing the song, and looking around -

Treacherous emptiness filling my soul.

Something familiar within to be found;

In this total silence no way to be whole.

Pressing on play, I continue going,

Diving in deepness, just one more time...

Immensely huge, it is mind-blowing!

Staying attached - my biggest crime.

My every single day starts with this song,

Its tune is imbued in my every thought.

Its melody in me...It's there all day long!

It gives me warmth that I have always sought.

(29.04.2025)

My beautiful eyes, such insanity

Hides beyond your intense, profound regard.

Looking around, observing inanity - 

Accept its conception seems pretty hard.

Oh, my beautiful, sky-blue eyes, 

You're getting so blind seeing all crap...

Losing your color just to disguise, 

To put on the world's superficial wrap. 

My beautiful, heaven-reflected eyes, 

Missing tears - your ocean has dried... 

You lost all your charm, your sweet paradise, 

Your piercing gaze has suddenly died...

My beautiful, immensely sad eyes, 

You wistfully peer at vanishing trace. 

The Time maliciously, foully flies, 

Leaving deep scars on my blossomed face. 

Beautiful eyes, made extremely dull,

Your exhaustion is fed by your memory.  

Lacking shade, you turned to be null, 

Immersed by veiled, impossible revery.

Beautiful bitterness... Beautiful eyes, 

You're gulping the pain, longing to cry.

Absorbing sadness, mirroring skies,

Finally weeping!.. Still keep asking - "why...?"

You said: "Things change, you will be fine"...

I hope you were right and one day I won't cry...

Look - all in tears, this pain is still mine - 

It grows deeper and deeper, even though time goes by...

You were saying: "Let's see. It's ok." Million times. 

I swear I was listening despite I was torn...

See - I'm left here with my numerous rhymes - 

They urge me to weep, to remember, to mourn...

You were my support and you'll be forever

The one who has opened my eyes and my heart.

Grateful for everything, whatsoever..!

You taught me how sorrow transforms into art...

You showed me a lot: how strong I can be, 

You made me believe I was worthy, in fact,

You resurrected me, you made me be "Me"...

I'll cherish your thoughts, your warmth, your impact.     

I will save all the memories deep in me,

Joyful and sad - they all lead to you.

My comfort zone they will always be, 

They help me to live all the way through...

No one may take them away from me, never,

They keep me alive and secure somehow...

Stored in my frail being, - forever -,

Because of their presence I'm breathing... for now.

I let myself rest on their carelessness, 

They penetrated me, poisoning blood...! 

Spoiled by them, I radiate fearlessness,

Happy to ride on the waves of their flood. 

Happy...so happy...despite I'm sinking,

Catching their shadow, steadily falling,

Touching it timidly, silently thinking - 

How I enjoy their infinite flowing... 

Fighting in darkness, not able to see,

Following blindly secret direction...

Suffering soul that dwells deep in me -

Being rebellious and chasing perfection, -

Uncertainly asks - “Don’t you have enough ?

Are you not tired of caring this cross?

With every day it’s all getting tough...

Be finally brave, embracing the loss...”

“Oh...silly soul, don’t you say a word,

I’ve had enough...but that’s ALL I had..!

You’re going crazy, your vision is blurred,

That’s what upsets you and makes you that mad.

It will never end - we both understand.

Illusory freedom, false expectation.

Remember, it never goes as it’s planned,

Making U turn, it leads to frustration...”

Running in circles with my poor soul,

Arguing frequently, gasping for breath...

Lost in unknown, with only one goal -

Keeping alive/escaping the death.

Capturing moments that never come back,

Leaving them frozen, all white and black...

Keeping in memories all that is gone,

Scrolling them anxiously - one by one.

Saying goodbyes again and again,

Crying inside, muting the pain..

Swallowing sorrow, catching last hope,

Finding yourself at the end of the rope.

Total destruction, profound despair,

Obsessive thoughts, regrets in the air!

Avoiding silence, always distracted,

Ruined, fed up, depressed, disconnected.

Covering scars, time doesn’t heal,

Revealing the worst of what you can feel...

Continue existing, although.....in vain.

Secretly dying, hiding the pain...

Struggling with memories deeply inside..

What step should be next - hard to decide.

Coloring days with fake expectation,

Falling to pieces with no hesitation.

Deadly in chains like obeying slave,

Giving all up, approaching the grave...

Losing control, missing solution,

Acting by chance, waiting for execution.

Collecting dead moments simply to breath,

Not searching for answers, only for peace.

Big resolution or mere pretention?

Beautiful lie beyond comprehension.

Your absence empties me from within,

My heart cries in pain, it is dying...

Great desolation under my skin,

Tears of a soul - so terrifying...

How on earth to get used to emptiness?

This hole deep in me cannot disappear...

I’m always awake, in this readiness

Of seeing your face, of knowing - you’re near.

I am weeping every single day,

I am so lost in this freezing reality...

Knowing that you are so far away -

Killing me slowly - oh, cruel fatality..!

February - the most cruel of all.

Taking people away - is that your call?

You were always the coldest, that was enough;

Hungered for more, you went crazy and tough...

This year you offer me one extra day -

More hours to mourn, more tears to pay.

Heavily breathing, catching flashbacks,

Triggering memories - consciousness cracks...

Thankful for nothing, pour me more pain..!

I am in agony - whose was this gain?

Join me in my sorrow, share it this time,

Don’t just run away, hiding your crime!...

I’m giving up, you’ve already won,

That part of my life is already gone...

Grieve, oh my soul, tearing in two,

Craving for healing, for а breakthrough.

October, you have betrayed me twice,

Once when you offered me sweet paradise -

I was naïve...believed all your lies,

Letting you play in front of my eyes.

Your game was well-played, pretty smart.

It left me speechless, with broken heart.

You emptied my soul, stole all I had,

And stayed there forever, fooling my head.

Your second try killed me completely,

I wanted to hide, disappear discreetly.

Still cannot flee, it’s burning inside,

Driving me crazy, affecting my mind...

Surrounded by magical falling leaves -

Beautiful nature that perfectly grieves...

Nothing to lose, nothing to keep,

No one to blame, no reason to weep.

Precious October, please, let me heal,

You’ve done enough - you know how I feel.

See you next year, leave me for now,

I will survive!...For sure...somehow.

With falling leaves I was dancing,

One day in October, not long ago.

Had no clue my heart would be breaking,

Would I really stop if You let me know?

I was enjoying this beautiful dance,

Was feeling so free, so excited..!

Thought I was catching my unique chance

To live into fullest, being delighted.

Now, being stabbed, embracing the madness,

Packing the leaves into memory box,

Still looking back, managing sadness,

My soul is so lost in need of detox.

October, my love, you came again, -

This time holding emptiness in your hands.

What do you want? To awaken old pain? 

What's on your mind? What are your plans? 

I cannot erase the scars you have left,

They are reminders of your bloody deeds.

My delicate soul - your dexterous theft...

Craving for more? What are your needs? 

I'm still in love with your golden leaves,

They are my tears that are dripping down...

Your ghostly shadow...It never leaves.

It makes me nostalgic... It makes me frown. 

No harm can be done though...It's over. No more.

I am indifferent to all your attacks. 

Take all the sorrow I haven't asked for...

Turn it into cure to heal my heart cracks. 

My city of tears, my city of pain...

My Happy city, full of distress.

In my saddest times, you refresh me with rain,

Lost in your streets, I try to process 

All of my sorrow, my loss, my weakness... 

I'm trying to hide from myself all the time, -

Concealing my scars in your nicest meekness, 

Locking all feelings - my fake paradigm. 

My misery brings me closer to you,

I'm diving again into your perfect vibe.

You know well my story, you walk me through,

Your footprint in it is not hard to describe. 

Despite all the sadness, you offered a lot, 

I was given hope by your warming embrace,

I'll love you forever - believe it or not!

My beautiful city, my memory place. 

Crossing sadly familiar places, -

Carrying them hopelessly, keeping inside.

Following those vanishing traces, 

Searching for signs, for somewhere to hide. 

My hope is expired, my heart is frozen,

My lungs, suffocating, are missing the air...

Leaving behind the path that was chosen,

I am giving up, cause you're not there...

Remember those feelings to the extreme? 

Remember how fun it was just to laugh?

Thank you for teaching me how to dream,

The time that we had was just not enough..!

You guided me to different dimension, 

You showed me who I can be, indeed.

Granted me confidence, not to mention

How you have fulfilled my every need. 

Now you are gone, completely gone.

No objections, you just had to leave,

I am abandoned, need to hang on.

Not able to try, to plan, to believe...

This silence just kills, it really annoys..!

It's getting under my skin, deeply,

It's playing with me like with one of its toys.

My blood is soaked in it completely.

It buries my dreams in front of my eyes,

Nothing to lose, no turning back, 

I am by myself, my soul loudly cries.

How long to exist in continuous lack ?!

My heart is filled with grief and sadness...

I am drowning in the ocean of my own tears...

When I'm about to end this madness -

Its reflection gets sharper, its shadow appears...

I'm watching it closely inviting me dancing...

Trembling in fear, I am giving my hand...

I know where it leads...but I follow its glancing,

I'm joining this dance, not able to stand.

We're spinning around, again and again,

Sweet shared memories are on repeat.

Laughing and crying so loud, like insane,

Trying to stop, to slow down my heartbeat...

Hugging me, mourning over my pain,

It's trying to comfort me...being the reason

Of my greatest suffering...of my life bane,

Of such devastating, violent season.

Reducing its presence, it is slowly leaving.

It's showing me mercy for now, for a while.

Lying again, wildly deceiving...

Preparing our trip for another mile.   

Life goes on!.. Whatever happens...

It takes you further with every second...

But... what if your past still matters?

What if it was on what you had reckoned?

The things were so different, so carefree,

Emotions were raging inside, like insane.

Enjoying each day - was that not a key?

No worries, no fears, no need to complain...

Was it the only season to admire?

What if your heart won’t ever beat that fast?

What if...what if... such a reckless desire...

Nothing on earth was destined to last.

So even if that blazing flame has gone...

Despite your sorrow - no way to repass.

The night is long, but after comes a dawn!

Behold, one day this too...This Too Shall Pass..!

Painful scars, covered by time, 

Countless cuts clothing a soul...

Beautiful lie, violent crime - 

Feeling of emptiness...after all.

Silent cry, unstable mind;

Passed away hope, meaningless life.

Appealing eyes - completely blind, 

Multiple troubles - abundant rife.

Unstoppable search, careless fight.

Pathetic misery, full discontent.

Disturbing scream, horrors all night -

Crazy, insane to a certain extent.

Unfruitful waiting, senseless regret.

Furious anger, great devastation.

Eternal torment: "get hurt or die" threat.

Invalid plans, untimely cremation.

Suffering may be a great resource.

It inspires to fight, to create.

It becomes your last strength, your recourse,

Despite the tendency to suffocate.

It forces to move forward, to progress;

To meet the deepest fear face to face.

Even though it often multiplies distress,

Still, it calls on to continue the race...

Do I love to suffer? I don't, for sure.

Do I need to suffer? No doubt, I do. 

I need it so badly to be more mature,

To grow, to revive, to have a breakthrough...

I have accepted the fact it exists;

Whatever happens - I let it inside...

A part of my soul sometimes resists,

Yet, its presence and power abide. 

Who cares if I suddenly die? 

Who will remember the person I was? 

Who will rejoice in case I survive? 

So many "whys" and none of "because". 

Who cares why I am losing my mind? 

Who will applaud if I win the big fight? 

Who will be there for me to remind 

That I can be worthwhile following light? 

Who cares if I stay by myself, always? 

Who cares if I bleed to my freaking death? 

All leads to distraction, all of my ways - 

Why should I struggle until the last breath? 

Who cares that my life is going to hell? 

Who will ever notice my burning soul? 

Who cares, really cares if I'm doing well?

Who cares if I'm totally out of control?...

Feeling this hatred as much as I do?

Dreaming to put myself into a cage,

Breaking away, just me and you -

My never-ending, consuming rage.

This world is so stupid, corrupted,

It suffocates from the moral-less drugs.

Wanna escape it, being abducted,

From its super tight, poisoning hugs.

Never will fit it and its expectations,

It makes me vomit...not gonna try.

It gives you all the tempting sensations -

What stands behind? - a powerful lie!

Mistakes, excuses and...joy -

I was your favorite toy.

Your hands deformed my soul,

I thought it wasn’t your goal.

You played really gently and nice,

Your charm has broken the ice.

I was so naïve and blind -

You have poisoned my mind.

You put together my broken pieces,

Your work surpassed all masterpieces...

After getting enough, you trashed me,

That’s when I thought I needed to flee.

It all was like a good fairytale

That turned out to be a big fail...

All the hope I had in my heart

Was stolen away... - what an art!

Playing with fire you pay a big price,

Struggling around, making self-sacrifice.

Looking for peace you’re facing the evil,

Pleading and searching for the retrieval.

It’s okay...

When the sky is grey.

It’s okay...

When it’s hard to pray.

It’s okay...

To be out of the game.

It’s okay...

To search for THE way.

It’s okay...

One day you will play.

It’s okay...

Just hold on today.

Letting go -

Mission unreal.

*You may grow* -

Sounds like a deal....

Attractive way out -

Painful though,

Aphonic shout,

Deaf and dumb show.

Catching the echo, -

Unbearable silence

Whispering - “let go..!

Ban this self-violence.”

Inside the box.

Watching the walls.

Avoiding talks.

Declining calls.

Having no way out, -

Unending fence.

Desperate shout,

Kind of defense.

Emotional bleeding,

Total frustration.

Constant pleading.

Hyper-sensation.

Switching off thoughts.

Putting aside

All that disturbs

Off-balanced mind.

Striving to care.

Tries to survive.

Silent prayer.

Sweet lullaby.

Merci

Pour ta présence -

Tu m’as fourni l’amorce.

Merci

Pour ton absence -

J’ai découvert ma force.

Merci

De m’avoir montré

Quelle personne je peux devenir.

Merci

De n’être pas resté -

J’aurai un meilleur avenir.

Merci

De ton soutien,

J’ai changé mes habitudes.

Merci

Je me souviens

De ton excellente attitude.

Merci

Rien à regretter

Malgré tous ces mauvais choix.

Merci

Pour cette liberté

D’être à l’aise avec soi.

Merci

Pour le temps chaleureux -

J’ai finalement trouvé ma place.

Merci

Ces souvenirs savoureux -

La tristesse et la perte remplacent.

Cette folie a changé ma vision

Pour quelque temps, et non pas pour toujours. 

Elle était devenue ma religion,

Je la suivais alors, jour après jour. 

Elle m'a tant inspirée… tout au fond 

Tellement brillait mon âme envoutée...

Sa chaleur merveilleuse qui confond,

M'a entourée, m'a fait tout oublier.

Puis nous avons un peu joué ensemble,

Nous avons parlé, avons ri, beaucoup.  

Elle était tout pour moi… Tout, il me semble! 

Soudainement, elle m'a prise au cou...

Elle m'a dévoilé tous mes secrets,

Le vide en moi a été révélé.

J’ai de la gratitude, sans regrets - 

Grâce à elle, je me suis réveillée. 

Je l'aimais tellement, de tout mon coeur, 

J'ai sacrifié mes valeurs et mon être.

Oui, j'accepte: elle est ma plus grande erreur,

Même si c'est douloureux de l'admettre...

Merci, ma folie, ma partie à moi, 

Tu resteras dans ma vie à jamais.

Je ne pourrai plus m'approcher de toi,

Tout est bien fini, juste comme il se devait....

Partout - l’illusion,

La grande confusion.

Ce n’est pas notre faute,

On existe côte à côte.

On vit comme on peut,

Espère pour le mieux...

Juste une diffusion

D’imagination.

Il n’y a pas de réel.

On monte sur l’échelle…

Gagner les étoiles?

On va se faire mal!

On voit cette image

Qui nous met en cage

Et ferme la porte...

La foi sera morte!

Elle prie de rester,

De manifester

Le dévouement…

Quel dénouement!

Nous obéissons,

Mais nous le savons...

Rien ne restera,

Elle nous volera.

On ne compte pas

Qu’on est les appâts

Pour n’importe qui,

Qui lui croit aussi...

Nous les regardons,

Et bien comprenons

Ils jouent le même jeu…

Ils sont courageux!

Nous sommes tous pareils,

Fermons nos oreilles,

N’y regardant pas

Allons pas à pas...

La satisfaction

D’une fausse direction.

“On vit juste une fois

Tout ça - c’est pour moi…”

Une vraie déception,

Une mauvaise option

D’auto-tromperie,

Durе plaisanterie…

Nos grandes émotions

Elles créent l’illusion,

Qui va nous tromper,

Soyons affûtés!

Faisons attention

À nos réactions,

À nos sentiments

En ralentissant,

En étant honnêtes -

Les marionnettes

Ne sont pas libres,

Elles perdent l’équilibre…

Elles vont écouter,

Elles vont dégoûter

Ce mensonge sacré

Elles sont consacrées…

Elles n’ont pas envie

De perdre leur vie,

Elles doivent s’arrêter,

Gagner la liberté.

Ce n’est pas facile,

On cherche l’asile,

La sécurité

De l’obscurité.

Mais soyons prudents

En exécutant

La folie de l’illusion,

Sa révolution

Peut nous diviser,

Elle peut nous blesser,

On est vulnérable,

Fragile, misérable…

Ouvrons tous nos yeux,

Dans ce monde frileux

Il y a blanc et noir,

Mais gardons l’espoir.

Tout est possible!

La guerre invisible

S’arrêtera vite

Si juste, on évite

De faire illusion

Notre seule option,

Lui donner la force,

Car elle est retorse…

Il faut résister,

Il faut protester

Contre son infusion -

Une belle conclusion !

Faisons l’autre choix,

Prenons notre croix,

Allons vers la fin -

Victorieux enfin !

Elle me touche par un seul mot,

Elle me donne envie d’espérer…

Dieu, ne la rappelle pas trop tôt -

Grâce à elle, je peux respirer.

Sans elle je me sens incomplète

Et puis la terre ne tourne pas.

C’est la personne la plus honnête,

La plus gentille, aimable, sympa…

Je suis dans son coeur, je sais, toujours

Elle prie pour mon âme sans cesse…

Elle m’inspire par son amour,

Partageant sa précieuse sagesse.

Elle comprend vraiment mes souffrances,

Elle est riche en esprit, et son âme

Me donne la force et l’assurance -

Le bien va l’emporter dans ce drame…

Mère, rayon de soleil brillant,

Maman, tu me manques tellement…

Ne me laisse pas aux vents violents

Sans toi la vie n’est qu’empêchement.

Ta chaleur douce est ma protection,

Ton sourire ému est mon espoir.

Et tu me montres la direction

Tout au long de cette trajectoire.

Comme je t’adore et t’apprécie!

Comme je t’aime de tout mon être !

Je te dis un immense merci,

Promets-moi de ne pas disparaître!...

Au milieu des pleurs et de la joie,

Je serai à jamais avec toi.

Merci pour ta tendre et simple foi,

Car grâce à toi, moi aussi, je crois.

Я залишу то все на бумазі,

Спогади, віщі сни, почуття...

Не забуду в жодному разі

Нестримні, нові відчуття.

Збережу в серці той вогник,

Що палає все яскравіш,

Що губить мене, наче змовник,

Здатись благає якомога скоріш.

Не зламаюсь, здолаю супротив,

Лише пам’ять, нічого більше.

Хвилю сумнівів побороти

Встигну, аби не стало гірше...

Дякую, досвід не має ціни,

На серці моїм глибокії шрами...

Свіжий подих цієї німої весни

Залишив на душі болісні рани...

Зцілення прийде, чекаю, вірю.

Надію маю на світлий кінець.

Плекаю найкраще, свідомо я мрію

Вдягти врешті решт святий той вінець.

Своим крылом обнимаешь душу,

Своим словом лечишь любой недуг,

Твоя любовь прорастает наружу,

Обрывая страданий замкнутый круг.

Исцеляешь глубокие, тяжкие раны, 

Отдаёшь всю себя, целиком, до конца. 

Надежда моя, моя милая Мама..! 

Вытрешь рукою все слезы с лица.

Крепко обнимешь меня...прижмешь всем сердцем, 

Скажешь : держись! и это пройдёт...

Для меня твоя всегда открыта дверца,

Любовь твоя греет, от бед бережет.

Изнутри оживляет улыбка твоя,

Надежно хранит, ведет сквозь года.

Мой ангел-хранитель, Мама моя,

Будь всегда рядом...слышишь, ВСЕГДА!